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Does anybody else have a wife who loves to play that game called “Yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can’t hear her." 
Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
My naked girlfriend just fell on the floor as she was climbing into bed. 5 second rule?
if you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
Have you ever had one of those bad days when you felt like you were the thong and the world was Rosie O donnell?
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor's trash so you don't get robbed.
i hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we havent thought about in a while...demons."
On the internet you can be whoever you want. It's odd that so many choose to be stupid.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
I wonder if the clothes in China say "made around the corner "
When I was little I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I dont have an attitude you just get on my damn nerves....
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
You never realize how weird your family is until you start to describe them to someone else
If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.
Confucius he say, man who sit on tall toilet is high on pot...
I liked you until you farted and turned the MUSIC up like it was gonna cover the smell.
Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. 