Funny Status Messages

   Kanye is not TOTALLY useless, he did raise Beck awareness. That is a good thing

   For every action there is an equal and opposite overreaction in the media.

   The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.

   Girls, there is a FINE line between wearing makeup and looking like you just got gang-banged by crayola.

   Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?

   The only technique I've mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.

   Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.

   Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it.....

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   The best dates end with "I can't believe we did that"

   Thank you, True Crime, for sayingthat was a reenactment. I was prettyupset your camera person didn’tstop that murder.

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”

   Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.

   *at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

   Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...this year I am hoping for a moaner or screamer.

   My backup plan is just my original plan but with more alcohol.

   I would like to think money won’t change me, but I got my stimulus check and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

   I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut

   I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.