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Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop." 
I refused to buy my 6 year old nephew a Barbie doll for his birthday because I believe that Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations. There is no way you could rip a woman’s head off that easily.
Why is it that kids these days can shift their gender but cannot shift a manual transmission?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...this year I am hoping for a moaner or screamer.
My backup plan is just my original plan but with more alcohol.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I got my stimulus check and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
The toilet roll situation has got so bad I have been forced to wipe with lettuce leaves. I fear its just the tip of the iceberg
Gas so cheap right now I don't even shake the pump after I fill up.
I think if my rich neighbor realized just how awesome of a party he is going to have at his house tonight, he wouldn't leave for vacation.
It's annoying when you think of an awesome idea or thing to do and within the next few minutes, you completely forget what it was, but the memory of how awesome it was still lingers.
1985: call me on the new line in my roo.m 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me
Dad please dont mess my hair up and say 'love ya' in public, I'm in a gang now
Today I went to work w/my clothes inside out and had chocolate pudding and popcorn for dinner. Wife has been gone ONE DAY & I am a toddler.
Kanye is not TOTALLY useless, he did raise Beck awareness. That is a good thing
For every action there is an equal and opposite overreaction in the media.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Girls, there is a FINE line between wearing makeup and looking like you just got gang-banged by crayola.
Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?
The only technique I've mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen. 