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Just once, I'd like to see Punxsutawney Phil open a can of whoop-ass on the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day. 
Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
Dear teeth whiteners. .. you have a set of teeth on the bottom too.. you're like the guys at the gym that don't do legs..
Bill Clinton has been acting funny ever since Michael Douglas made that oral sex comment.
The day Bruce Jenner finally snaps and locks his entire family in his Escalade and pushes it into his swimming pool just got one stupid baby name closer.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.
Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I cannot fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.
Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
What if we CAN breathe in space and they just don't want us to escape?
FACEBOOK is the second most popular word that starts with "F" and ends with "K" ; )
I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’m having wine for dinner.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
TIP: If you've forgotten your Bluetooth headset, wearing sunglasses indoors is an equally effective douchebag indicator.
Kids complaining they didn't get an iPhone for Christmas or got one in the wrong color is exactly why other countries hate us.
If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I just hope they split us up by the music genre.
~• << Picture of me when I was younger.
Winnie the Pooh was based on psychological problems. Winnie has an eating disorder. Piglet suffers from anxiety.Eeyore has major depression. Tigger has ADHD.Rabbit has OCD. & Christopher Robin must be a drug addict if his stuffed animals talk to him
I hate when I get some Taco Bell and somebody tells me that Taco Bell isn't "real" Mexican food. I didn't get Taco Bell because I wanted authentic Mexican cuisine. I got Taco Bell because I'm poor and I like Chalupas.
Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.. 