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My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops. 
Think I've been staying home isolating for too long as I just watched a Hallmark holiday Christmas movie in its entirety and I actually thought it wasn't corny.
kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again
My Grandmother is telling me a story of how my Grandfather turned into a sex machine after he got Alzheimer’s bc he thought she was his hot new girlfriend and would tell her, “you’re nothing like that hellcat I was married to”
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence. Is this true? I have my doubts.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night... Not Happy.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Tampax is the newest sponsor of NASCAR. If you're looking for tickets to the Tampon 500, I could pull some strings!
Rapper "Pop Smoke" has died. Please respect my privacy at this time, while I try to figure out who the heck he was.
Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist.
Some youths have stolen all the bus stop signs down my road... Where do they get off?
Fun Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the "send" button by 95%...
Going to Wal-Mart will help build up your immune system for just about everything except Covid-19...
The wife asked me to sell my Hall and Oates collection. I said I can’t go for that, no can do.
I want to hear 99 people sing 'Africa' by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
You don't have insomnia, you have a f#cked up sleeping pattern.
Yes, m@sturbation is a pleasant, yet quick diversion. Scratching one's own b@lls however, can provide hours and hours of limitless entertainment. At least that's what my dad says. 