lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Wrinkles are hereditary. Mothers and fathers get them from their children.

   I brush after every meal.And the Dentist says my hair looks lovely.

   If a mute kid swears,does his mother wash his hands out with soap?

   Telling my nephew that leprechauns store their gold in electrical sockets and that he'd need a fork to get it out probably wasn't a good idea.

   It's not the minutes that we spend sitting at the table that puts on weight. It's the seconds.

   I have kleptomania. But when it get's bad,i take something for it.

   ..i thought it was sweet of my boss to gather us all together and warn us of the massive amounts of snow expected overnight and to drive carefully... then also warn us to "show up to work tomorrow or else". Aww they really DO care!

   I caught my daughter playing with the power outlet. She gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.

   In a nudist camp, men and women freely air their differences.

   My mate told me that she was having nothing to do with me anymore because she was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail.

   Tiger Woods: never satisfied with a hole in one.

   Why does a blonde have TGIF written on thier shoes? Toes Go In First.

   heavily medicated for your protection.

   Every time I step on my scale, it reads ERR. I think it's trying to change the subject.

   If you need space then work at NASA.

   99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

   I love to whisper in a woman's ear. Not because I'm romantic, but because I don't want other people to hear me lying.

   I got a letter from the Origami Association this morning. I don't know what to make of it.

   Why don't the blind go skydiving? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

   If I had a nickel for every time I've misplaced my keys, there'd be a jarful of money I would also have to look for.