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I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the mic on his left foot and yelled, "F*ck me." What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life. 
Based on how I react when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Girlfriend's parents gave me a Best Buy gift card, which will be turned into a video game that causes me to ignore her for the next 30 days.
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
Trillions of stars. Billions of galaxies. So many civilizations. But you’ll never explore one. You’re stuck here on earth hearing about the damn Kardashians.
What if they made a Kindle that doesn't run out of battery? Like, a book.
Democrat parties have weed, Republican parties have hookers. Tough call...
You know I got to thinkin about it and I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 26 years...... that is 9,490 sit-ups and not ONE ab to show for it....
f you feel sad, remember: There are people out there right now buying last-minute Christmas presents for their cats.
watched a bunny hop past me and into bushes and thought "What if I'm supposed to follow it?"
After sending a risky text, a minute feels like an eternity.
This "fancy" wine rack I got for Christmas is total crap. NONE of these boxes fit at all
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don't have a little brother...
When you're a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain't going to shift your beer belly is it. 