Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
All the leaves on my yard look like all the lotto tickets I bought in my life. 
Anybody else feel that their calculator history is more embarrassing then their browsing history?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please
Friend: I think I smell burnt toast Me: that’s awesome! You don’t have Covid
I want this Valentines Day to be special.... Just give me a hint.... Tell me what will make you happy..... I’ll do anything.. *me, talking to my dogs
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
What's better than a 5 hour energy? A 2 hour nap!!
I refuse to jump on the ‘I hate Mondays’ bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally..
Whenever you are having a bad day, keep in mind someone's favorite Batman was George Clooney.
I wish I'd say "Yes" to an aisle seat. Now I'm at the window, drunk and in charge of the emergency door. In case of emergency, climb over me.
if you own a body shop and it's not called "Auto Correct", then what's the point?
Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.
How long after shaking my money-maker should I expect a check?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
If Santa Claus had a FB account,,,, none of us would get presents.
Putin has an 82% approval rating. The other 18% will be dead soon.
The only person excited to find out about Hillary's Body Double is Bill Clinton. 