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Red wine pairs beautifully with procrastination. 
"Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Hypocrisy seldom gets the contempt that it deserves
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.
There are two types of people in the world. Please stay away from both of them.
When it feels like your moral compass always points south.
In the past few days my Doritos stock started to skyrocket. Thank you California.
The first rule of Micromanager Club is ... wait I'll just show you
Ohhhh you’re an alpha male on the Internet. Here. Have a cookie.
* The older I get the earlier it gets late.
I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace
Iowa's voting app failed because it was too icy to climb up the telephone poles to vote.
Some of you all went from homemade, natural, all organic cleaning products to Clorox real fast...
You can’t call it “pandemic” unless it’s from the Pandemic region of France, otherwise it’s just Sparkling Flu
A priest rabbi and a nun walk into a ...Nevermind. Bars closed.
And in other news, Keith Richards has tested positive for everything but COVID-19.
My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out. 