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Know why single women are so thin? They come home, look in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, look in the bed and go to the fridge. 
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I'm in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don't really have Tourette's.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
North Korea got missile that can reach Chicago,,, be carefull North Korea chicago will shoot back
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died and were content with it.
Cleaning all the straws out of my glove box cause I would not want any straw sniffing dogs to find my stash!
I just found out that сосk fighting is done with chickens?
That's 12 months of training gone to waste!
It's so cold outside, I just saw a fox trying to jump-start another fox.
Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.
250,000 Union Soldiers died to end slavery in the United States ..... They were the first and genuine Black Lives Matter movement.
Pre-marriage counseling should include putting up a tent together.
Apparently running around Walmart with alka-seltzer running out of my mouth screaming, “The vaccine isn’t working!”, isn’t funny.
If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.
so happy it's finally Hump Day! Oh, and I'm pretty excited it's Wednesday too.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got !"
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Hypocrisy seldom gets the contempt that it deserves
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them? 