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Decorating question: What color paint matches well with dust? 
I must admit, my "Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus" T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.
My relationships are much like pro wrestling matches - the outcomes are predetermined and there's a good chance I'll get hit with a chair.
How come they never sing happy birthday in the delivery room
Canadians have their own Alcoholic program..........Eh Eh
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster
I like the way your medication thinks.
Saw a guy wearing shorts with suspenders and black socks with sandals and realized I'll never be that confident.
Surgeon General warns taking a shot for every lie told in tonight's debate will result in acute alcohol poisoning.
there is a room in hell where they play an endless loop of every time you told someone you loved them and they didn't say it back
I just finished reading “50 shades of Grey” by Sherwin Williams. I don’t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.
Omg! I just hit a woman on my bike. Just kidding.. I don't ride in the kitchen!
Weird how 2X and 4X power dishwasher pods are the same price, like there's a market for people who only want minimal dishwashing power.
I'm assuming lube is for people who can't spit.
OMG.... I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Next time you visit someone with Alexa.
"Alexa set 3am alarm with horror movie sounds."
St Peter: "so..how did you die?"
Me: "I was sat on a beanbag and the house caught fire"
Did I miss the grammys again! darn that makes like 10 years in a row.
I put my fitbit on the refrigerator handle. Amazing, my daily activity has increased 10 fold....that's the ticket....
Life lesson 249: A short temper is not a sign of strength. 