Funny Status Messages

   I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time...

   Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

   Dude just told me that he's washing his hands more because of that "Coca-Cola virus."

   25 days on lock down and I feel lazier than the guy who created the Japanese flag

   I’ll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day! Almost on Monday Almost on Tuesday Almost on Wednesday Almost on Thursday Almost on Friday Almost on Saturday Almost on Sunday.!

   Lots of mothers are gonna be surprised when their Mother's Day gift is a barrel of oil

   I spend most of my time resenting people who never had to use a typewriter.

   Ninety percent of being a dog is not realizing your own tail is your own tail.

   I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

   I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

   I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

   I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that goofy power walk.

   Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.

   I'm going to start an online store where people can buy bait for when they go fishing for compliments on Facebook.

   I'll acknowledge Canada Day whey they finally acknowledge that's not bacon.

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::

   My desire to be well-informed during this presidential election is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

   Hoping people are not gonna play Pokemon Go during the Summer Olympics games in Rio... looking for Zikaachu..

   So Hillary's VP plays harmonica. That's all we need. More blowing in the Oval Office.

   I'm a nervous wreck about this election, because I'm too rude to live in Canada