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I want to be that grandpa someday that everyone is afraid to take out in public. 
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Life is like a helicopter... I don't know how to operate a helicopter.
I'm beginning to believe whoever said "Hindsight is 2020" was sending a message to the future we all misunderstood.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated. Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I'm at that age and wisdom where I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. Nope! I've seen that movie.
No matter how tough you think you are, there's always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...
I used to have a amazing social life, until some idiot talked to me into signing up for Facebook.
I hope my dog doesn't turn out weird because she's being home-schooled.
Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included. 