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I wonder if Yoda from Star Wars last name was “Layeehoo”. 
On the lighter side, United Airlines won't have to worry about being overbooked for a while.
Hurricanes ✔️ Fires ✔️ Tiger running loose ✔️ Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
Hey here is something I learned and wanted to pass along -- you can donate to the Hurricane Relief fund and not tell anyone.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He asked “Can you describe the symptoms?” I said “Homer is a fat bald man and Marge has blue hair.”
writing, "He owed me $50" in the funeral guest book wrong?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I'm at that age where food makes me fat.
"buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
It's so cold out that I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings?
we need funny material not people who think they are funny
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see Kanye West crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit. 