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I respect you, liquor store shopping cart user. 
Thunderstruck just played at the gym and now I'm drunk on the treadmill...
I didn't change my clocks because I decided to relive the past. There are so many things I'm going to do differently this time.
Why does everyone keep asking me how to change their clock? My Betamax has been blinking midnight since 1983...
I bet now Martin Shkreli wish he had that anti-parasite medicine
Whenever a convo is going badly and you want out, just say "and that's when I became a vegan."
[during sex] Hey, thanks for doing this with me.
The first idiot to complain that it’s too hot this summer is getting hit with a 10lb. bag of ice!
You know you're broke when American Express calls you and says: "Leave home without it"
How to strengthen your abs: 1. lie down and put your hands behind your head... Wow, what great position for a nap, better take a nap.
When someone knocks on my door, I find the best thing to do is knock back from my side. Then they go away.
Look what happened to Craigslist Casual Encounters! Now where are we supposed to go for sex with strangers and/or possible murderers?!
I'll never forget the thrill of that first kiss or the night I decided to keep someone else's Tupperware.
I’m tired of not having any plans to cancel.
Sex with me is like riding a bike. You never forget it and if you’re doing it you probably don’t have a car, a job, or any dignity.
Them: do something every day that scares you Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders Me: *just screaming
I'm just playing devils avocado here
When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.
"I just called to say I love you." -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Is the expression "One man's trash is another man's treasure?" I want this best man's speech to be perfect. 