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“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN” -Costco. 
Roses are red, they go in a bucket, they cost 60 bucks so you'd better...
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...
Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
Why isn't cat food made from squirrels, mice and birds? I've yet to find half a tuna on my porch.
If we want to make America great again, we will have to make evil people fear punishment again.
It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.
Anyone know how Pink's parents are named? I am assuming Red and White.
SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.
I have a sneaking suspicion that Elton John couldn’t have cared less about how tight Susie wore her dresses.
Welcome to your 40s. Drugs are no longer just for fun, they’re medicine now
it just me, or is Tom cruise starting to look like a middle aged lesbian?
It’s funny how watching your kids get older is both the best and the worst thing ever
I accidentally drank two energy drinks this morning and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.
When life hands you Don Lemon, change the channel.
A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already 