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To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue. 
Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. :-)
Anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have.
I recently bought a toilet brush. To make a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.
5 year olds can't bring milk, eggs or peanuts to school these days but they can bring the measles...
This morning My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.
Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I still want to see you eat, just not at my table.
No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...
Everyone seems so normal until you become Facebook friends with them.
United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.
Man I am beat! Feel like I just flew on United
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.
Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn't think so.
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction! She clattered her computer keyboard and said.."It's not coming up!"...I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!
The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
I wish I could match my dog's excitement to go outside. 