Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Know your limitations, people. Sometimes certain body cavities just won't stretch that far.

   I had a bad day: I need a drink I had a good day: I deserve a drink Blah Blah something something: Let's have a drink

   Got my new Ghetto Book: 50 Shades of Cray Cray. It's just a picture book with women b!tching.

   It's drizzy outside, expect a Lil Wayne.

   If women were labeled "heroes" instead of "sluts" for sleeping around too much, us guys would be having a lot more sex. Someone messed up here...

   In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

   Beer goggles are a myth. Alcohol doesn't make ugly girls look prettier. It just makes you not care that they are ugly.

   ...is lying here unable to sleep, thinking about tomorrow when I'll be lying here unable to wake up.

   If three strikes in bowling is a turkey, then I wish you a happy XXX day tomorrow.

   Good news: I can breathe out of one nostril a little! Bad news: I sound like a tea kettle.

   Wwhen my wife is angry wit me, instead of giving me the silent treatment..........she jus keeps talking!

   When life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.

   Anything you say in a small town can and will be used against you.

   In hindsight, saying "goochie goochie goo" while tickling my girlfriend's clitoris was probably a bad idea.

   Cashier: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" Me: "Nope - still single." Both of us: "Hahahaha!"

   Facebook is perfect for me. It's the c0cktail party where you don't have to wait your turn to speak.

   Nothing improves creativity more than a lack of supervision.

   You don't find the meaning of life, the meaning of life finds you.

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   Just flossed my teeth with a peace of thread from this ladies snagged sweater... in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills.