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When I was a kid, my parents could only afford a secondhand calculator which was missing the 'X' button. Times were hard. 
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Half the day, I wonder if it's too late for coffee... The other half, I wonder if it's too early for alcohol
Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today, and nextday
I'm convinced that to become a realtor, the only required skill is to be able to look nothing like you do on your business card.
Wife: I'm pissed! Me: Again or Still?
Viagra is like Disney land, the both make you wait a hour for a three minute ride.
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?
Alert and sober is no way to go through life.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It's when you try to put them in the trunk that they start to freak out.
what did the California politician say to the restaurant manager ? this is the last straw
I bought a bottle of Himalayan salt today.
It's supposed to be two hundred and fifty million years old.
I just noticed the expiration date is July, 2019.
Good thing they dug it up when they did.
The problem with society today is that no one drinks out of the skuls of their enemies anymore.
Lyft and Uber will have you outside, looking like a prostitute. My goodness..
I blocked my cat on Twitter. He knows why.
When people hear "Huge Nipples", do they think that includes the areola or just the nipple itself? I'm helping my mom with her Facebook profile.
Golden Corral has lobster tails for $2.99. That's less than the medicine you'll need to buy from puking your guts out afterwards.
... Turns out Corporal Klinger would no longer qualify for a Section 8 Discharge in today's enlightened US Army!
There is no simple household repair that I can't turn into a visit to the ER. 