Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Should you even have to say the words "don't touch the dog's butthole" to your child?

   Dollar store pregnancy tests: For when you sorta wanta know

   maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.

   Kim Kardashian wants to break the internet? All this no talent hack needs to do to break the internet is to sit on it.

   Saw a hitchhiker holding a sign ‘Anywhere But Here' So I swerved, hit him. Now he's in a ditch. Hope that's ok, he wasn't really specific.

   Apparently it's frowned upon to bring beer to a search party.

   I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.

   Helping someone set up a Facebook account is kind of like watching someone try meth for the 1st time.

   I'm not stalking you…I got your address off the envelope sitting on your coffee table in the background of your Instagram photo.

   Oh you think you have it bad? In my day you didn't see the other persons genitals until after you actually met them.

   You mean as much to me as error reports do to Microsoft.

   You had me at, "we'll make it look like an accident."

   There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from Hawaii.

   Misery loves company. And bars, and drinking, and drugs, and barely consensual rough sex with strangers. Misery has all the fun.

   Nothing beats a woman with a great voice. Except Chris Brown.

   If you don't want me to sing at your kids then don't name them Roxanne.

   I'm getting sick of these p orn sites listing my videos as "amateur".

   Forget the universe, think of how insignificant you are on Facebook.

   I'm not surprised Kristen Stewart couldn't act faithful. She can't act happy, sad, frightened, mad, shocked or aroused either.

   Just once I'd love to attend a funeral where people are being honest and keeping it real about the deceased asking questions like, "Who here is going to pay me the money he owed me?"