Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers. 
if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.
The San Francisco Giants visited an orphanage in Mexico last week. "It's really sad to see their faces with no hope" said Juan, age 6.
Think I will use this CSV receipt to wrap up like a mummy for Halloween. BONUS: You can scan me for $1 off any 2 liter drink
I wonder if Harvey Weinstein & Bill Cosby sit around swapping stories
Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.
Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.
My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.
Do race horses really pee more than regular horses?
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?
when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall
I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.
I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.
What the lottery really is.. "Hey guys, lets pool all our money together and make someone a millionaire!!
I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
My doctor thinks I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I knew that's what he was thinking
If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Technology today is a race between smart people striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof gadgets, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.
The thing that truly makes amusement park rides scary is that you are entrusting your life to a teenager that is earning minimum wage to make sure you are securely fastened into your seat. 