Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

   If your coffee order has more instructions than an ikea bunk bed then you're probably an a$$hole.

   Has anyone ever tried to lead Sarah Jessica Parker to water?

   Let's be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.

   My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.

   Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 guys...that's the limit.

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions.

   To all the mothers: Happy Mother's Day. Don't let it go to your head. You are a working double tomorrow.

   Watching a program about apes trying to make it in the real world. Wait no, it's "Keeping up with the Kardashians".

   If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you're doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.

   My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know

   Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute and everybody loses their sh*t!

   I show people I love them by not spending time with them. It’s the best thing I can offer.

   My favorite part of the bible is the part where that old guy is like "We're gonna need a bigger boat"

   Anderson Cooper must have seen 'Magic Mike' this weekend.

   Apparently I offended a midget with one of my jokes. I told him to grow up.

   I don't believe death is the end. In my heart I know that, long after I'm gone, I will continue to receive Hot Summer Deal!!! emails.

   My coffee was so bitter this morning you'd think I had divorced it.

   You'd think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.