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You know it's cold outside when you go outside and trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it. 
Hey A-Rod, will you sign my syringe???
How does a woman carry a child in her stomach for 9 months, go through all the pain, hold it in her arms, and end up calling it laquisha
Dear Bryce Williams, White Lives Matter.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is "Guess what today is."
It's okay password, I'm insecure too.
Which came first? The Pringles can or Tennis ball container?
I haven't heard anything about Farmville lately. Did those guys sell out to Monsanto?
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
♪ ♩♩ ♬ On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,
Commercials: Now brought to you with limited football interruption.
Eating beans and an egg salad sandwich...this silent treatment from the wife should end in roughly 2 hours.
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
My anti-aging face cream gave me acne... No need to go that young, L'Oreal!
I'd love to come to your holiday party and stare at my phone all night.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off" ~ The last thing a lobster thinks.
Money can't buy love, but it can buy stuff. And I love stuff.
What do people with spinning flashing inflatable Christmas lawn ornaments think is tacky? 