Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream. The best response was not "Was he hot?” I know this now.

   When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don't accidentally kiss a dog.

   Playboy to replace nudes with photos of Hugh Hefner's nurse feeding him soup.

   Extra hour of sleep this weekend. I mean, unless you're a parent. Then it's just like, more morning.

   I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey

   If I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender can I tell everyone that "Yeah, I Juice."

   ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

   I'm pretty sure my $2 Sportsclips coupon already told you I am not interested in the $60 shampoo, but thanks for showing it to me anyway.

   If it was not for the dumb things I did as a kid. I would not have anything to laugh about today.

   If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

   Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Hillary Duff and Beyonce say they are sending their prayers to Houston. I feel like such a jerk. All I sent was money.

   Went to a Black Friday thing a my sweetheart’s house… all clothes were 100% off.

   That Jussie dude sounds like such an A-hole you'd think he could have just gotten beat up based on his personality.

   People in ancient times believed that they were responsible for the changing climate. (human sacrifice to the gods) I’m so glad that we have advanced enough that we don’t believe in that nonsense anymore.

   The bad thing about political jokes is sometimes they get elected. . .

   QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!

   I must be getting old. Since when does 2 to 4 inches of snow become a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called flurries, and we complained it wasn't enough to even have a good snowball fight, let along close schools.

   All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.

   I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.

   I'm starting to worry that I can't stab someone in front of a cop without getting shot