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Why be so serious ? It's not like we're going to get out of it alive. so livin up fu(kers. an make it a great day for someone 
remember the old 80's drug commercials..The fryin pan and the egg? This is your brain....this is your brain on drugs...any questions? yeah can I have some bacon and toast with that ?
When the kids are bad this time of year, I tell them I just burned one of their presents. If they're really bad, I say it was the puppy.
Here's an idea....maybe Obama can grow a beard until the Obamacare website works
A daughter asked her mother how to spell pinus, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.
The lower middle-class is the new black
Remember when perjury was a crime punishable by being fired or jail. Now its against the law for republicans.
It took just one week for a $1 trillion wipeout in U.S. stocks. Winning?
Gas is about $4.25 a gallon and girls still think guys come over just to "chill"
Time magazine's breastfeeding cover is pretty good, but I wish they'd used a hotter three-year-old.
I know how the Chinese name their kids....they throw a bunch of silverware out the window.
Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Size 12 and Up Skinny Jeans should be made illegal.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin....
Any man taking longer than 20 seconds to make a decision on where to eat, is just distracted by his tampon springing a leak.
Paula Deen would like everyone to know she is sincerely sorry that there are other races.
more wars have been fought and more peopke killed in the name Of religion (including) the Catholic one than all other reasons combined.
named my hard drive "That Thang" so once a month my computer asks me to back 'That Thang' up.
Taylor Swift's Dirty Little Secret Will Make You Sick... It's All About AGENDA 21, Look It Up!!. 