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I'm going to get in shape, pear is a shape...right??? 
last night, I laid in bed, looking up at the stars, and thought to myself, "where the hell is my roof?"
I bet you $20 I don't have a gambling problem.
Who know why there are so Many Birthdays in October? Simply because valentine day was nine months Ago people who are born in this month most be called fruit of love ;)
Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox. We ask her whats she doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail.
Chasing a FAT MAN in red with salad, Oh It's SANTA
on an Hedgehog's back, Wearing underpants made of cast iron.
says the funny thing to do is get in a elevator where everyone is going a couple floors up and let a silent one go and watch peoples faces
my best friend said the best sex he ever had was with a cougar......i don't even like big cats
we always knew who the fat parents were picking up in elementary school
Starting to think my Imaginary friend has serious issues....Hey!! You better get down from there, If you fall and break your legs don't come running back to me Pal.....What!!!! Don't look at me with that tone of voice...
will be weed smoking and turkey pulling this weekend... oops! reverse those verbs!
versatile..........put him in any position and he will always perform
Playboy made a mistake passing on Kate Gosselin as a centerfold. I believe America desires to see a uterus that could be used as a three car garage.
lets turn the NFL into touch football
I'm sitting on my couch and updating this status from my cell phone just so my friends think I leave my house occasionally
my favourite ride is the "slip inside"... oops, I meant the slip n' slide...
If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.
OMG I just wasted my time watching the twilight series :love triangle between a depressed girl a 110 yr old vampire and a werewolf !
behind every great man is a woman, and behind that woman is another woman....... And another woman....... And another woman.... And another 