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I got caught with a booger on my finger. So I put it back in her nose and apologized for disturbing her nap. I'll try again later. 
I prematurely panicked with the hurricane Sandy warnings yesterday and ate my cat....now feeling remorseful.....
People who say marriage is only between a man and a woman underestimate my love for pizza.
This climate change stuff is so hilarious...
"If this is Good Friday, I'd hate to se a Bad one!" ...... Jesus
Casey Kasem is one of the "Top 40" adults missing in America.
It's so sad that Leonard Nimoy didn't live long enough to find out what color that dress was.....
Hey girl! Are you an Apple Watch because you can't seem to do anything without your iPhone.
My parents never let me play with anything magical or watch anything violent as a kid. I just had family-friendly games trying to figure out who murdered this guy in the library with a wrench.
Substitute " My ass" for "This girls" on fire and you're welcome Preparation H for your new ad campaign.
ME: If you could sleep with... SUSAN: JOHNNY DEPP !... ME:...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. SUSAN: ohhhhh...
My girlfriend just stormed out of an ice cream shop because they ran out of sprinkles, in case you’re wondering if I’m winning at life.
man merely a mistake of G0d's? Or G0d merely a mistake of man?
I was driving home from work yesterday when I noticed a man with one leg hitch-hiking, so I pulled over and told him to "Hop in."
has a really bad case of SRH!!! (Sperm retention headache)
How to make hard taco: 1. Buy soft taco from taco bell...2. Crush up Cialis ... 3. Sit in bath tub on dock over looking lake.. 4.wait for the right moment
Ralph Macchio is 50. Pat Morita was 52 when the Karate Kid opened,,,,fact check next time!
In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said the Bible is the most influential book she's ever read. Some people think she might be pandering to Southern Christian voters. Then Hillary said, "Oh come on y'all — little ol' me?"
Three words to ruin a man's ego. "Is it in?"
Single Women - When you get your Facebook 'Timeline' take a long hard look at it, and you'll see WHY you are STILL single. 