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At a job interview. "What would you say was your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a crap what you think." 
The kids down the street have challenged me to a squirt gun fight. I'm just killing time updating my FB status while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Aunt Jemima or Paula Deen?
Glass half empty, glass half full...it really doesn't matter how you see it, all that matters is there is room to add more vodka to that glass.
Girls, if you don't look like a Victoria's Secret Angle, don't expect us to care what you think about what we look like.
Obama should start his speech off with... "allow me to reintroduce myself"
I would like to give a huge shout out to all the baby mommas that got or will git all that tax money this year Holla.........
Gay men in the missionary position are just like yogurt: Fruit on the bottom.
call me a weasel, a coward or a jerk but whenever I am feelin smothered, manipulated, controlled, used, trapped or suffocating in a relationship I always bail out.
How do Vampires shave each day.....I mean they are not able to see their reflection in the mirror.
When your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, your pants are tucked into your shirt. Think about it.
One hell of a Tuba lesson today. I nailed it.... [Anne Franks last diary entry]
dude where's my plane
People who change after change will Survive... People who change with change will Live... People who cause the change will Lead...!
Cop: Sir, you were going 69 in a 65 *Exhales cigarette* All I do is 69 *Cop high fives me* You're free to go sir
If I was religious I'd probably just argue with God a lot.
I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out of Gary.
This post is closed captioned for the hearing impaired. (THIS POST IS CLOSED CAPTIONED FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED)
Are the Red Sox supposed to be Amish metrosexuals for Halloween?
A guy walked into a Psychiatrist's office wearing clear plastic pants. He said, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor looked at him and said, "I can clearly see you're nuts!" 