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Sure you can have my phone number. It's like having a direct line to God. But better. Because I answer.. . 
Sorry Tim. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away
Why God Created women ? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
*Uses selfie stick to push your baby away*
"Drink Responsibly?".... LOL, Responsibility is WHY I drink.
If you look in the mirror & say Candyman 3 times, my father will appear & tell you that you're getting fat.
If you are not naked you're not feeling the vibe today
My name means pathological liar in Slovenian.
With no power comes no responsibility... (During a power outage)
Industry has invented a machine which can pin point the exact location of any pungent smell. Dogs around the world are praising this device!
*learns the pole vault Jumps out of the friend-zone*
I'm someones reason to drink
Jerod has been sentenced to 15 years of all the footlongs that we wants
When a girl likes you, everything you tweet has the potential to piss her off.
Pill Cosby is now suing his victims? What kind of a sick world are we living in now?
Last time I got dumped I went to some random funeral to cry my heart out.
*stands up in meeting... *wipes boss's chin... Sorry, you had some nonsense coming out of your mouth... *wipes hand on pants
I was gonna stop flashing, but think I may stick it out, for a bit longer
[wife yelling at me as I wash dishes] "keith I'm fkn sick of you pretending to be a doctor" [turns tap off using my elbow] what do you mean?
You know you are at a 50 shades of grey movie when instead of handing out 3d glasses they hand out condoms 