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How come the word Flatulance is not Fartulance? 
I'm a Mexican but not a "I own a metro phone Mexican."
I shot off a flare to get rescued from a bad date, and now everyone in this restaurant is mad at me.
My girlfriend does this cute lil thing where she pretends like she's not my girlfriend and screams "help me" everytime I open my trunk.
How much is it to see the therapist? Ma’am, that’s a buffet.
not sure who is the bigger ahole the guy who uses a blinker and dosent turn or the one who dosent use one and turns.
OMG can you hear that? Sarah's having sex!!! lol its so loud, like ridiculous, i'm trying to work here for god's sake :)* (Accidently sent to Sarah* the girl having sex)
Turn to the person next to you to introduce yourself and say "Pat McCrotch".
NOW ON EBAY - NBA TEAM for sale! previous owner with plantation mentality.
"I DEMAND... A TRIAL BY COMBAT" "sir it's just a parking ticket, I..."
Judging from Axl Rose's physique, Paradise City has green grass, pretty girls and an abundance of Twinkies.
GAGA: So famous, even babies know her name .
Wine is constant proof that God loves us & loves to see us happy:)
would much rather check my facebook than face my checkbook
when you go to the doctor & he wants to shake your hand, do you wonder what he did to his last patient with that hand & if he washed it before shaking yours?
When I die, I have made my husband promise to update my FB status with “Who knew they had Wi-Fi down here?!?”
People are judging you right now. you dont need everyone 2 like u. Its your people that matter. Those who dont give an F change the world. The rest do not. Do things that you consider embarrassing. Accept awkwardness. Refuse boundaries. Live.
Tried to buy a Harley today but they said I had no balding as of yet?
B.I.T.C.H. Beautiful Intelligent Tough Courageous Humorous... Just the way women should be...
Don't be too confident and happy just because he calls you his boo. First, find out how many hoes out there he calls that too. Don't be blinded and fooled by sweet nothings. 