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When life gives you LIMES rearrange the letters until they say SMILE. 
Being single sucks when you know exactly who you want.
Fellas, if you're wondering if the carpets match the drapes.....there is no carpet.
if a hot guy is scared to talk to a hot girl, chances are his p enis is baby sized
Figured I could get both of today's major statuses out of the way today with one word: Snowbama!
William and Kate want their new baby to have some of Diana's traits, so they put a bonnet on his head.
If your going to shoot a black kid and claim self defense, make sure you dont lie to the judge, and have $135,000 worth of asset and 2 passports!! Take some bathsalt to the head afterwards if you thinking about it.
good joke today...single people change ur realtionship status to "in a relation". when friends ask who it is say "april....April Fools"
Welp, my facebook wall is full of religion today (Good Friday). This makes me exempt from attending Mass later, right?!?! Pretty sure I've been preached to enough for a day.
I've yet to see a picture of an Occupy Wall Street protest that didn't make me say, "Hey, that's the guy who delivers my pizza."
I love you in Blue...I love you in Red...But most of all...I love you in....Blue
Text REDCROSS to 90999 to help the tornado victims. (This is a status we all should put up today to help these poor people)
You'll have to speak-up, i'm wearing a towel.
looʞs lıʞǝ ɟɐɔǝqooʞ ıs ɐʇ ıʇ ɐƃɐıu˙˙˙˙˙˙
I got a Shake Weight for Christmas. I'm going to try strapping it to my pen!s.
WHO'S PAYING FOR THE WALL!?!?!?
It's :
Mexico
Mexic
Mexi
Mex
Me.
If this is a witch hunt, didn't it end when they found Kellyanne?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I gotta give him credit. He sure knows how to lie like a politician.
Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same ? 