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WARNING:I can change from sweet and innocent to B***H in 3,2 seconds... 
Girls its the summer time please dont walk around here in sandals with hideous feet...thats what you get for wearing Ugly aka UGG Boots lmao
Meatloaf passed out at another concert, but wouldn't cancel the show. No he won't do that, oh no, he won't do that.
This status is for all those 20 year girls dressed in their underwear with a private contact email address that keeps wanting me to befriend them on facebook. I am 57 years old and the math says 57 goes into 20 a lot less times than 20 into 20. Denied
I got 99 freinds on FB and TOM ain't one:D
those who caught speaking in spanish will be paid in pesos...
The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.
going to have you naked by the end of ths status
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a swimming pool...
Two iPhones got married. It was a lovely ceremony, but the reception was awful... Aparently they held it in the wrong place
Looking through a girls photos and thinking "slut..slut..slut..slut" :D
would really appreciate an Aussie Kiss right about now...Yep! Down Under!
happy that President Obama recently visited India. Maybe now we can start sending jobs in Congress offshore.
The wife asked me to weed and water the flowerbed, so I pissed in it while smoking a blunt... Next...
Well in happier news....Abe Vigoda is still alive!!
Did you hear about the new Austalian diet? It's called Swim Fast.
My girlfriend asked me "Team Edward? Or Team Jacob?" I yelled "Team Deathmatch!" And knifed her...
Maybe the Pope finally found Jesus.
Vegas has the Ravens as a 9.5 point underdog against the Pats but the Ravens are a 3 body favorite in possible murders. 