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[boarding an airplane in west Africa]... "Have you had any diarrhea in the last 24 hours?"..."Yes. I had 2 tablespoons before bed last night." 
Do the Chinese realize that when they're visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?
I haven't got a Twitter account yet, so I just carry around a megaphone and announce what I'm doing at random times. I've got three followers so far - but I think two are cops...
Try saying "Whale oil beef hooked" without sounding like a drunken Irishman
Uh Oh...just what we need, a Pope with a Foot Fetish
"Well that's the last time I ever take one of those spinning classes... felt like an idiot being the only one twirling around in the middle of the room while everyone else sat & looked at me like I was stupid :~("
hmmm, I wonder where the girls that ate the poopoo out of the cup are today?
As if my self esteem couldn't get any lower, when I got in the shower this morning, it laughed at me.
I am sorry guys my p0sts have sucked so much lately. Lately I've been going on dates and getting laid on a regular basis lately.
Joyce, the office slut, just sneezed and now we all have to take a mandatory HIV test on Monday :(
If you are speaking sign language but you have parkinsons, is that considered stuttering?
Alcohol doesn't solve problems, but neither does milk
Let’s have a moment of silence for the brave bud that got smoked by that fagatron Bieber.
All Karaoke bars are shouting out with Glee.
I would like my tombstone to read: I told you guys I didn't feel good.
Whenever I see an old couple holding hands, lost in eachother's eyes, I feel good, because I bet I could totally take them both if I had to.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
Don't hate me because I´m good, hate me because I know it!!!
You think when whoever invented the Bong, a black light appeared over their head....
thinks that iPad is an iPod for fat people. 