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Times are short and Money is hard... Here's Your Effin Christmas Card!!! 
when asked about the Lakers struggles lately, Kobe said, "Dude, I got away with rape so it's no biggee..."
WTF.... (welcome to facebook)
"Yeah. I wanna watch you rub your clot while you duck me. I live that, baby." - I'm done with autocorrect.
I'm one restraining order away from a free restraining order.
Phrases i'll never understand... #71 - "You better hunker down if you want to finish on time." Seriously? Hunker Down???
Snooki has given birth. This can only mean one thing to the cast of Jersey Shore: placenta shots!
Go to the train station and make eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it it while yelling “I LOVE YOU!”
Carnival to Rename Cruise Ships 'floating nightmare 1, floating nightmare 2, floating nightmare 3, floating nightmare 4, floating nightmare 5 etc. etc. etc.'
Telling a woman to calm down while she is drunk works about as well as baptizing a cat.
Did you ever notice how a woman's “I'll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I'll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
going downtown to throw snowballs at random pedestrians in an,attempt to make a couple friends who understand what I'm going through.
City girls slip and slide, Country girls grip and ride!!
Major cold front heading our way with significant wind chills... shrinkage is imminent
Women sleeping in Bras... Nice try Hollywood.
William & Kate, i'm really happy for you and imma let you finish, but Panda Watch was the best baby watch of all time!! #Anchorman , #imronburgundy?
yes, I have made mistakes, but last time I checked, life didn't come with instructions!
I'll be doing my Facebook posts telepathically today, so if you think of something funny that was me.
There's no I in 'meat' but there's ME & EAT....I don't know how vegetarians get past that. Time to BbQ.
The new Chevy Impala is cool because it comes with a popcorn popper in the dash. 