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I think I'd rather be waterboarded than have to hear one more Xmas song. 
I stopped by a beauty supply store yesterday and they said they didn't have anything that would help me and asked me to leave....
"You drive me to drink!" -I shout at my taxi driver.
Rosetta Stone but for the THINGS I say when I'm drunk
"Hotel California" is really just a bad Yelp review with a 2 minute guitar solo.
Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the reasons I have trust issues.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could jut re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me
I was going to buy you a Christmas gift, until I Got High!
Hmm, very untrusting of the old white van parked at the play ground with the handwritten cardboard sign saying "free candy inside"... sending one of my kids to check it out...
Don't love someone so much that you stop watching p 0rn!
The only way to make soccer interesting is if they could pick up the ball and throw it...
It's God Bless... Not Good Bless.... And that's why we look like morons!!
Happy " Single Awareness Day"
You guys ever YOLO so hard your Hyundai gets repossessed?
Ladies, if you're in compitition to get as many friend on your frinds list, post naked pictures of yourself. . .
To find out your author name, simply take your first and last names, write a book,, get it published, and read the name on the cover.
I judge the quality of my Facebook posts by how often my name comes up in therapy with your shrink.
No matter how much lice shampoo I use it doesn't provide the sheen or volume that I get when I wash my lice with regular shampoo.
Stop knocking on my door wanting to talk about the Lord and I will stop coming to your door wanting to talk about alcohol, weed and freaky sex. 