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I hate when I request a song on the radio then realize I pronounced the artist's name wrong because the artists parents didn't know how to spell it. 
There’s too much 3-D going on in theaters today. I miss 2-D. And come to think of it, I also miss Tootie from “The Facts of Life.”
My wife and I do it Doggie Style: I sit up and beg then she rolls over and plays dead.
Forget the stocks. What's the market looking like on truck stop blowjobs? Competition is through the roof.
Virus Tip - If you run out of toilet paper, just spray Pam between your butt cheeks and poop won't stick. Don't ask how I know this...
If some of Ya'll streaming NetFlix in 4K 16 hours a day could leave us a little Bandwidth that'd be Great !
At least all this money printing from the Fed will solve the toilet paper shortage
Calling occupents of interplannetary craft ..
Men try role reversal in bed, and you have a headache for once.
Just heard that facebook is letting all their employees work from home which makes me wonder. Hey facebook you hiring?
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Sorry I accidentally told your wife about your "secret iphone" at the company Christmas party.
Sorry that changing your hairstyle dramatically didn't fix your life
I love those people who can make me laugh during those moments when I feel like I can’t even smile.
If Spiderman ever had to fight Black Widow, who would win?
There's nothing wrong with living under a rock, as long as there's wifi..
How I met your mother? Well son, it was arranged.
I'd totally marry you, but Walmart doesn't have a ring in your size.
If you drink enough alcohol, stairs become an extreme sport.
The best way to remember someone's name is to slap them 