Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   don't cry over spilled milk... it could have been beer...

   My boss is asking me to turn my reports in on time..... *like I DON'T write crappy jokes online for no pay lol*

   But your honor, she used mild cheddar cheese to make nachos

   Nothing hotter than a big sl0ppy tub of lard with a butterfly tattooed on her b00b.

   Don't flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

   I'm not saying I'm into guys, Babe. I'm just saying it'd be nice to have a man around to kill the spiders that you and I are both afraid of.

   Hi, if I have any relatives left on my mothers side of the family can you make yourself present so I can delete your sorry ass too. . .

   If you take all the veins out of a person and lay them end to end that person will die...

   O.K.... Now it's the scientists' turn to hide,,, and the Higgs boson has to find them

   Sorry I started a fight in the middle of your parking lot pARtyy- F.Gump

   Ladies, you can stop with the expensive bikini wax treatments. I have a roll of duct tape. . .

   “It’s a frapp!” - Admiral Ackbar, Starbucks barista.

   I've took notice my Wife keeps scribbling in her diary that she thinks I'm to nosey

   .... Happy Easter!!! ... BTW it's also 4-20 ... so it's also Easter Bowl Sunday!

   I'd probably get laid a lot more if I were in prison.

   I'd do anything for love... except get married.

   I just replaced the deodorant in the office's bathroom with an air horn. And now I wait.

   Just in time for the Summer, UKIP is set to launch a new range of tents. They're like normal tents but without any poles...

   [writing my first autopsy report].. There was a slight mix-up initially but as it turned out, this guy actually died from an accidental autopsy

   I never heard of Lindsey Graham... Who is she?