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If the range of decrease in Blood Alcohol Content is 10-20 mg% per hour. I should be able to drive my car next Monday.
I was driving Home when I saw a Hitch Hiker holding a sign that said, "Heaven Bound." .......... Me being the Good Samaritan that I am, drove completely out of my way ......... To hit Him ......... I'm glad I could help him On his Way.
Even if evolution is wrong, and it’s not, magic doesn't win by default. 434 Retweets 190 j'aime
Wonder how much longer humans will continue playing make believe?
It's the Holiday Season; clean your own spunk off her back.
What Obama's secretary should have said, "Why don't you play #17 twice, its a nice par 3"
now if I can train my cat to eat dog poop, I will never have to buy pet food again
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01-01-2015 18:15 by if I can train my cat to eat dog poop I won\'t have to buy pet food again
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Mexico is like America's basement; yea, it's a little dirtier, but it's a lot more fun.
Colorado is changing their state flower to "Sinsemilla"
Sorry I lied about being on the pill and now you are connected to me until you die. - WOMEN
When life knocks you down to your knees, remember that it's the perfect position to pray.
So Casey Kasem is missing, they should get Scoob and the gang to solve this mystery.
Ugly old married women who fight over their male colleagues with all other young women! well done! Your life sucks!
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of chicken.
Sugar is sweet and so is honey, Beat ya meat and save ya money"!
A lady said her water broke. I offered her my unopened bottle of Aquafina but she kept shouting. She shouted so much an ambulance came.
In celebration of Cinco De Mayo I'll be drinking Guinness and Jameson Whiskey tonight. Ole!
Awkward moment for a liverpool fan : when they ask what's the time and its 19:18........
Hey, it's Fat Tuesday, or just Tuesday, as it's known at Kirstie Alley's house.
I throw my telescope in the air sometimes. Sayin' AYOOO I'm Galileo. 