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Wats the point of having emergency vehicle turn the lights on n driving below the speed limit on an empty street! 
Can someone text me a in & out burger?
The rather uneasy moment when your ex is hotter than before.
There's always that one annoying kid that says "Present!" instead of"Here!"
- I sleep peacefully knowing negative energy can always be transformed into good energy with one click on that delete button ........ click , click , click ... GONE :)
You have to be nuts to be between a guy's legs 24/7.
Erectile dysfunction starts with small talk.
II wish the XXX Olympics gave medals for the ''Clean and Jerk''
I'm sex..unattractive and I know it!
My ex has so many screws loose that she could open a hardware store.
My good morals are in my other pants.
You have no idea how hard it is to find three legged skinny jeans.
I do declare douchebaggery and shenanigans! Happy F-Off Friday
Lost my hearing a few years back. It's gonna suck when my wife finds out...
It's really not THAT crazy, you're just giving him your number
There's a squirrel on my roof,,, or this new blood pressure medicine is too strong...
I just saw Taylor Swift so I said "Hey Taylor, guys are a$$holes & relationships suck!". Long story short, I'm featuring in her next album.
Where are you, Ray Nagel? New Orleans needs you! Said no one ever...
I created an imaginary girlfriend,but she just wants to be friends.
Booze may be a man's worst enemy… but only a coward runs from his enemy. 