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Dear spouse: When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by... 
Women are experts at knowing what you really meant.
I'm that person who forgets to wish someone a happy birthday on Facebook but waits til they thank everyone in a post and my comment is always, " You're welcome, let's do it again same time and place next year"
Looking for hot women on the TV show "Jeopardy". Uh,..nope. Not today.
In my defence, he didn't accept the breath mint when I offered it
Fate has it's tricky ways of throwing something in front of you that you never expected.
Can't wait to see the look on my doctors face when he walks in the room and I'm already bent over the exam table!!!
My wife takes forever to get ready when we are going out for the evening. I swear, there are glaciers that move faster.
Okay Instagram... You deactivated Rihanna's account? I want my money back.
A Rape Whistle.....But for unwanted conversation.
I need help programing my dvr to skip news and record the commercials.
If I wind up looking anything like Peter Pan with a hammer, I'd run like the bloody wind.
Your profile pic is good in bed.
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy's house, with a gas can and a lighter because he didn't respond to my text.
With the purchase of every drake album You should get a free box of Kleenex and a photo album of your ex
Just like the Government....I feel shut-down when my wife talks too much too....
Happy "GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN" DAY...again everyone
Just because nobody gets you doesn't make you an Artist........it kinda makes you a doofus
Plain girls want to save dogs. Hot girls want to save wolves.
Sometimes we've gotta, nod, agree and giggle. (in that exact order) 