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I think I've already smoked this life down to the filter. 
It's really hard to watch a movie when you're hanging on a tree outside someone's room.
dude-having 14 keys hanging from a belt ring is not a good look, When was the last time you heard, "God, Schneider is a fox" Never. You're welcom
Fun thing to do #53: confuse room service bringing breakfast to you by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"
Tempted to change my name on Facebook to "No Body" So when someone posts an attention seeking status and I like it. It will say "No Body likes this"
Why talk when you can type?
If the doctor say put the medicine in "your ear".. he meant "your rear"... so get your hearing checked too.
You think the colts are going to win? You better Belichick yourself before you wreck yourself
*wipes away tear* You had me at "Dwarf Stripper."
cutting the fat off bacon is like cutting the bacon off bacon
Don't screw up your life; that's your family's job
So in other news...On his last night, Larry King will reminisce about some of his best interviews with people like Michael Jackson, Nelson Mandela, and Moses
I just saw 3 Angels walk down a runway wearing thongs...oh sorry it's just The VIctoria Secret Fashion Show
Washington and Colorado legalize marijuana, Seattle and Denver advance to the Super Bowl. Coincidence? I think pot!
I am sorry baby but I belong to a secret cult that believes Valentine’s Day is just another day. Same applies to birthdays.
Dr fauci just announced we all have to wear jock straps now to stop the spread of covid
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
It's okay when to criticise someone when they try and force their beliefs on others and even go as far as trying to make their beliefs part of constitution and government policy.
It's only great again for those of us who can spell.......idiot
Hillary Clinton: 'I Am Getting Pretty Tired of Hearing About How Nobody Likes Me' Gee, what a surprise. Guess what? Here's another surprise. I like beer! 