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Casey Anthony must be a slut, it took 12 people to get her off.. 
It was so hot today I had to stick my head in the oven just to cool off...
Found my halloween costume and I'm trying it out by walking through the intensive care unit dressed as the grim reaper
menstruation.menopause.mental breakdowns...ever notice how all womens problems begin with men?
getting Jiggy with it!
If your parents ever call you a liar, just say "Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Santa". Then walk away like a BOSS!
A vampire goes into a bar and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".
dont forget to turn your clocks back this weekend, i'm turning mine back to 1970 when we had no illegal immigrants
Women are like alarm clocks. They won't shut up until you hit them.
Corvette....Helping men compensate for small wieners since 1953.
I would worship God, even if there's no Heaven.
Iphones, so people know you're a douche bag with out having to say it
Big girls dont cry (They eat)
7 things I look for in a girl: Beautiful Intelligent Gentle Thoughtful Innocent Trustworthy Sensible. ;)
puts the fun in funeral
Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over
Ok, so now I have my coal in the pressure cooker....How long will this take?
The Twilight Saga is a lot like the World Cup! They run around for a few hours, no one scores and the fans say you have to watch it to understand.
"Absolutely, sir. And what kind of pig would you like to hear?" (Real American, if he was in Deliverance)
It took a movie like Blindside and Jesse James' cheating ways for Sandra Bullock to decide to adopt a black baby. 