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One time my dad yelled "who let the dogs out," but the only music we heard was Buddy getting hit by a car 
Remember when mambo 5 came out with the retina display? It made the mambo 4S look like CRAP........... good times
Blame Obama Hotline, how may we assist you today?
Why don't chicken breast have nipples?
The boy who used to bully me in grade school still takes my lunch money,,,,,,on the plus side, he never forgets to ask me if I want to upsize my fries.
Honey Boo-Boo endorsed Obama on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Was that so momma could buy their paint chips on a snap card?
Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them. Why? Because there's no place like home.
If my st@tus upd@tes don't make you spit what you got in your mouth then you're a swallower...and hi there.
My Political-Plumber friend says it's --- Lefty liberal, Righty up-tighty
I went to church for confession. It's strange. I don't remember the priest's dialogue ever containing "The power of Christ compells you!" before.
Objects in rear feel bigger than they appear
thinking about making some extra cash by selling some of his Facebook friends on eBay! Starting with the ones who have requested friendship but have not really delivered! I'm not expecting much for them, a few Pesos here a few Rupees there... Money's mone
Erm, Dear Santa, let me explain... the money was only resting in my account, and that thing with the elves , I have destroyed the negatives so you can be rest assured I will not black mail you for any pressies this year, been a good run, 30 plus years...
I just love some of the things men say to get us into bed"Baby I'll only put it in for one minute!"What am I?!?!A fricken microwave!?!!!
She was looking through the Chinese phone book earlier. There are so many Wings and Wongs. It must be so easy to Wing a Wong number.
When you love her you're F-ing her, when you don't she is F-ing you! What's up with that?
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments..
Your luck is so bad, that if I put a bucket of pu*sy in front of you, you would reach in pull out an a**hole!!
If you're friending me on Facebook ONLY because you want a nail or you have a lost cow in Farmville, the joke's on you! I play Mafia Wars!
I'm an angel, the horns are just there to keep the halo straight 