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I bought myself a shiny new toy that goes from zero to 215 in just three seconds......L.E.D bathroom scales! ツ 
No, Occifer - I don't know how fast I was going (hiccup), but you caught me so obviously I was not going fast enough!
Whoever said “nothing is impossible” has obviously never seen me doing nothing.
going to take a HOT shower.. it's like a normal shower..only with me in it.
Tomorrow is 11/11/11. This day only comes once every 100 years so go out there and do something crazy and make it memorable.
Build the swamp! Drain her up! Lock the wall!
Irony is their king is the biggest snowflake of all!
I had to tell my kids Stormy Daniels was a scientist because our country is ridiculous.
Because of the poor economy, we couldn't afford fireworks. The only snap, crackle, and pop at our house yesterday was when I poured milk on a bowl of Rice Krispies.
Batman. Not because I have to be. Now because I choose to be.
I laugh when someone I just met gets mad at me and expects me to care. Like, wtf. I don't give a s**t about you! I don't even know you!
I would like to make a Facebook page called "Deez Nuts," just to see how many people LIKE Deez Nuts...
Not all times jokes intended to make you laugh. Some are intended to make you think.
Deadliest catch, without the crabs, we're almost out of gas, call the Arabs!
wearing flip-flops, a tropical shirt, and smoking a joint with 3 hippie-chicks between renditions of kumbaya...anybody care to join?
In my opinion,nobody needs a girlfriend or boyfriend untill they get married...
*Boop* I got your nose!...No..you don't...
had Lady Gaga started her first performance from inside her fathers' condom, last night would have never occurred
has just been banned from tesco.. apparently you're not supposed to pour water into the bucket marked "Pakistan flood appeal"
She: "Ummm, I dont think we should, I have I boyfriend." He: "So? I have a skateboard but I'd much rather drive a car" 