Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Forecast for the weekend - On Friday, mild alcoholism with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement close to midnight on Saturday. Increasing chance of big regret and big hangover for Sunday.

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them

   Christopher Hitchens the brilliant journalist, author & famed atheist has died. If he's in Heaven now I bet Jesus is looking pretty smug.

   My boyfriend doesn't like bacon. I like him a lot, but I don't know how much longer we're going to last.

   If you gotta ask her "Does this feel good??" you aint doin it right....

   declaring 2012 is the year of the Honey Badger! Google  "Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger"

   Having trouble with your iPhone saying "No Service"? Just put your shirt and shoes back on.

   Funny, on the same day Don Cornelius dies, my platform shoes lost their sole.

   's son bought a Justin Beiber CD. I wonder which Powerpuff girl he will dress as for Carnival

   Who let Tony Bennett out of the nursing home?

   Jeremy Lin is no flash in the Moo goo gai pan.

   There are those of us here in Central FL that don't care about the Daytona 500...or as I like to call it, The Redneck Equivalent Of The Royal Wedding.

   "911, what's your emergency?" "DO ANIMALS NAME THEIR BABIES?"

   My wife was choking so I quickly googled "how to save a life" Was a good song to drown out the noise she was making.

   My 3year old just swallowed some quarters and pennies. He seems ok now, I'll let you know if I see any change

   Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can start a fishing school. Make lots of money. Then feed your family steak.

   We need to keep kids off drugs. It's hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

   "Hey Bro, wanna go to lunch?" Sorry I can't, I'm on the Govt. Lunch Program....can't afford to eat :/

   Last year it was the ice bucket challenge. This year it's the bucket of hot coals challenge. You go first. . .

   FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE !!!........... I yelled at my gynecologist