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Ideas are cheap, execution matters. 
My parents told me I wasn't a planned child...That explains why my life isn't going according to plan!
The thing I miss most about being in a relationship is making someone cry.
We know how annoying it is when skinny girls keep talking about how fat they are. Stop fishing for damn compliments
Some people have a super power of fcuking up your hopes and dreams while smiling at you.
Always choose a proctologist with a good buttside manner.
I hate the word friendzone! "Especially when I'm out with a woman who tells me that she loves me like a brother!......Unless she's from Alabama or West Kentucky of course.
Remember Folks: A day without sunshine is...like, well...night.
Get your mind out of the gutter. It's blocking my view.
I wish I was excited about anything as much as Jim Ross was to see a Stone Cold Stunner.
It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.
The " I got your nose game" is to be played with children! Try it on your pharmacist or the cashier at Target and they will call security!
I guess Obama will be putting up "No Ebola Zone" in school zones.
I just realized that I have exactly as many Oscars as Leonardo DiCaprio...
Don't be insensitive and call her trailer park trash when modular home trash sounds so much better...
I may be married to the sea, but I'm seeing 2 of the Great Lakes on the side,,, Yeah,, it's Erie how Superior they are.
Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"..................................... #hopefull
I'm sorry I put on surgical gloves to shake your hand.
Relationship Status: Sitting here in my underwear playing GTA V for two days straight
I must have been drunk a lot as a toddler. Everyone remembers things I did as a child but me. 