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90% of the girls I've dated, I got their pants off with my humor. The other 10% were passed out, so I had to take them off myself. 
if you order a hamburger at a mexican restaurant you're a terrorist
For a boot that has been left outside since the early ‘90s, Kevin Bacon aged pretty well.
I don't have an entitlement problem. I have a problem with not getting everything I want out of life.
My middle finger on each hand has a six pack.......
if you are feelimg sad and confused just remember that for milions of years, bird were the closest thimg we had to astronauts.
Chocolate covered raisins are another way to say; "I hate you."
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
I like to play "I Spy" with total strangers and stare at them and say "I spy an idiot"...
I have so many unfinished jokes in my
Tonight is "National night out" and i'm home spending it with a bunch of Sharks :(
I used to flip a "lucky" around in my cigarette pack. Until I realized it's the only cigarette I get drunk and light backwards.
I don't care when a girl puts me in 'the friend', 'creeper' or 'getting a restraining order against zone'... it's their loss, not mine."
Ya know, I think Mummies get a bad Wrap.
If God has a plan for everyone, his plan for me is to push me to the edge every day until I eventually choke myself out with a neck tie.
How policies suddenly change once you get elected: We gonna keep the Obamacare and we gonna legalize some undocumented immigrants. Yes you gonna get the change that you voted for.
It's not that easy to not think about Donny all day. I mean you too would be constantly worried if you left a loony in charge of your house and kids.
I may be crazy, but I'm not, "Of course I'd lease an office in the new One World Trade Center" crazy.
Fun Things to Cry Out during Sex : "Oooh" "Eeeh" "Oooh" "Ahhh, Ahhh" "Ting" "Tang" "Walla Walla Bing Bang"
Devin Nunes wants a closed interview of all the top microwave manufacturers. 