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My therapist told me I should take life more seriously. I told him HE should, shmake shmife shmore shmeriously. 
Ignoring your ass is my favorite way of interacting with you.
Your as useless as a snow blower in August!!
maybe i'll get laid by my wife....she said that will happen once in a blue moon
im gonna try to improve my life .....↑↑↓↓← →← →B A START ....no it didnt work
I hear Justin Bieber wants Black Keys’ Patrick Carney roughed up. I wonder how much she is paying for someone to do it for her.
Happy Sideckick Day!
I've been telling jokes about distance but I think this time I've gone too far.
The number of people killed because alcohol is easily offset by the number of people conceived because of alcohol.
THE WHOLE PROBLEM WITH THE WORLD IS THAT -fools are always so certain of themselves and wiserpeople so full of doubts
I always feel so bad for homeless people. So when I see one, I always stop and show them a really big "frowny face". That way they don't realize how much fun I'm having with all my money and stuff.
The only exercise some people ever get is: running their mouths, jumping to conclusions & pushing their luck.
Still haven't answered my life's calling... I've always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
his relationship status set to "It's Complicated" simply because he can't decide on which hand to use.
There are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who cant.
I've been writing bad Czechs, encouraging them to do better.
No, I won't hold your hand, but I'll hold your leash.
All these New Year's facebook invites. Go see a $hitty band 2,000 miles away. A smoke filled rednekk bar 1,000 miles away. Or stay home and get sauced with a hot blonde in a Frederick's outfit. What to do what to do....
Girl, I hate you so much its like you're my girlfriend.
Girls don't ask for much. They want you to be like a Disney prince. So be rich, famous, charming, good-looking and have perfect white teeth.
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