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Be a savvy consumer. Do your research rather than trusting your local circus barker’s claims that no other wonders on earth could compare to the oddities found in his freak show. 
I'm watching the Puerto Rico Open on TV and I don't a single one of the golfers is Puertorican...
Twisted Personal Ads: SWM seeking SWF. Age, ethnicity and religion not important. Nymphomaniacal tendencies and chronic laryngitis are a plus. Please reply to Box OU692
Mexico has the FBI. The American equivalent of The girl scouts.
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned” and “Sorry Daddy I’ve been bad” both mean very similar things, but have wildly different connotations
I know French too: Jean val Jean is French for "pants more pants"
Just had a bowl of generic Frosted Flakes. They’re grrrrrrrr.......okay I guess.
Mom raised me to believe saying "Shut up" was the worst thing you could say to someone, but I knew I could be so much more
Not all superheroes wear capes. Some of them tag you in memes.
With the time difference between the eastcoast and westcoast. When you air travel from east to west. You literally are time traveling to a time that you already experienced.
Ever wonder if pandas know they're cute?
The Sentimental Growth Story
Me: Can you please grow?
Hair: Nah..!
Muscle: Nope..!!
Salary: Don't even dream..!!!
Tummy : Bro, for you anything.
There was a time when Women used to dress to to impress men these days Women dress to irritate other Women
Self driving cars are never gonna catch on because of people like this guy who just turned left across 4 lanes of traffic
Embarrassment: Is when your 6 year old corrects your spelling when you're spelling out a cuss word.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when you're first dating? Well, after 30 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
At the bar, someone asked me "what's my angle". I told her "about 30 degrees".
my credit is so bad, they stopped giving me gift cards.
First time I’ve been up early for Saturday morning cartoons in awhile.
I just started a club for people who hate people. I’m the only member. No you can’t join because I hate you. 