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If you ever touch anything in a public bathroom, DO NOT worry, you'll be dead by the time you realize it. 
Pro tip: No matter how many times your baby asks, don't give them Indian food...
If my house could talk it would assume I own stock in Ramen Noodles.
GOOD DAY SIR !!!... And thank you for the "World of pure imagination"... r.i.p.
If evolution were real you'd think my body would've learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.
Fish food is a one time purchase. If you go through more than a canister in 10 years your fish has an eating disorder.
Fact: I used to get beat up a lot at vacation bible school.
I ordered 2 venti coffees from Starbucks for myself tonight so now I'm the new face of addiction.
Have you ever been so high that you re-enact the 'stair climb' scene from Rocky when you find an unopened packet of Oreos in the pantry?
showering together is cute until you realise women are trying to be 3rd degree burn patients and you’re just trying to get clean.
If you don't think of Tupac every time you down a Cranapple Snapple, then.... WTF ever, homie.
Whenever you think your job sucks, remember; at least you're not the guy at Instagram whose work is to search for and delete all the Nude pics
OK .... You know your life is shallow if Chick - Fill - A is a major concern in your life
The best part of fall is dropping the gardening charade.
"If everyone can stop stepping on this, I will take it home, rinse and eat it!," I yell as I try to gather the rice thrown at a wedding.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
No one told me how much of parenting would be spent standing in my kitchen holding a trombone while naked children run past.
Shazam but for strangers who recognize you in public.
I have an app the reminds me when my garage door is open. Now if I can get one the reminds me when my fly is... 