Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   There are two different kind of people in the world, "born" ones and "made" ones.

   Text me first so I know it's real

   The more you just sit there and look at your problem the more it grows.

   Want to save money this Valentine's day? Better get started on ending the relationship you're in.

   Saw an unbelievable photo essay of teens being starved and put to work outdoors, but it turned out to be an Urban Outfitters catalog.

   I must be cruel only to be kind. Yes, thy rear does look big in that dress.

   My "In case of emergency number" is the liquor store down the street!!

   : I've named my penis 'Attention' because we all know how much women love fcuking attention.

   Seems like everyday is some kind of cause, appreciation or event day. I think most are made up. Unlike today which is Ladies have sex with (name) day!

   If Rihanna "loved the way it hurt", she'd still be with Chris Brown.

   Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven't felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

   I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

   It’s like all of my wife’s friends say - stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

   I know I’m no longer a kid, but I still hold out in the childlike hope that some day money will fall out of the sky. At least enough money to buy a Three Musketeers bar and some wax lips from 7-Eleven.

   I hate how celebrities always die in 3 like Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison and sometimes literally on the same day like Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Bopper and now Oscar the Grinch, Big Bird and Caroll Spinney.

   If at first you don't succeed, well then maybe skydiving isn't for you.

   Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good. Mine is my back scratcher.

   Whelp, I'm not even out the door yet and I could already tell it's going to be another one of those days I'm not going to change the world and make it a better place for all mankind to live with my Facebook post.

   Dear Facebook, I'm fully capable of finding my phone friends so if you can do me a favor and stop suggesting them to me like my mother did when I was 5 years old that would be great. Thanks!

   I'm not making any New Year's resolutions this year as they always just go in year and out the next.